More Brass than Ass
Ok friends, it's crunch time.
Guess what!? Sara. Is. Finally. Leaving. Like truly. Honest. True dinks. Fully walking out.
Remember the haunting line from the show promos months ago? "You've got to be kidding me!?" followed by dramatic breathing? Yep, well it's happening in this episode (if the start of the show is any indication). Let's go. I'm also ready to walk.
Just to reiterate, Sara says she's not coming back*.
<*pretty sure she'll be back although when I did go through a walk through of The Gatwick a number of weeks ago, access to their apartment was restricted...>
But that's it, she's going, she can't take it any more, she's effin' out.
Reckon old mate's heard it all before?
The show starts proper with a graphic saying "26 hours earlier" and The Angels' classic playing, everyone sing along: No Way Get Effed Eff Off... (how good is that footage!) and we see a beehive of activity, everyone finishing their ensuites.
We spend a bit of time with Sara and Hayden, she's happy again (at this point) with their intricate herringbone tiling and everything else, Scotty reminds us that they've spent $75000 on this master bathroom. That is an o b s c e n e amount of money imo.
But they're building their whole apartment around their brass tub (The Only One In Australia) so yeah, whatevs, should be fine. They even did a vision board
So it has to work. Also, are they jocks sitting along the skirting board?
Remember last episode how Norm and Jess were in a spot of bother? Well some bloke who knew a bloke got a bloke to knock up a shaving cabinet to the correct size and then their bloke drove to Geelong to get the cabinet but old mate who made the cabinet didn't have the time to chuck some mirrors in so Mick says no drama I met a mirror bloke at the pub the other night so I'll go see him. Long story short: always go to the pub. You never know you're going to meet.
Kerrie and Spence are ticking along nicely for a change, no conniptions and DIY disasters. But ForeDan grabs Keith and his measuring tape and scruitinse some glass in the hallway at apartment three. They start saying random numbers and do a fair bit of pointing. And I don't know what Dan is trying to assert here but I don't think anyone's going to be happy
Now there's more pointing, up and down, and Keith talks about slots in tiles, and in sides, and about it being made rigid. But ultimately, whatever they are talking about, Keith says "that makes it even more dubious to me". Ohhh it's a massive shower screen and it's needing to be wedged between two supports rather than one but the glazier doesn't agree with Keith. Good luck with your future projects glazier.
Engineers and more pointing later Hayden compromises with the offer of a bulkhead, to wedge the massive and heavy glass screen into, and Sara pouts that they're not going to get the 10 scores they require, as a result. And it sounds like she starts to cry off camera.
Talking In Cars With Courtney is back, as she heads off for some towels and stuff, but we find out that their glass is an issue too. Hans is respectful of the compliance process and heard a solution from their sparky that was similar to Hayden's. You have a bulk head , you have a bulk head, everyone gets a bulk head! And Bianca and Carla continue on their quest to give every job a red hot crack, and get a lesson on grouting so they can finish their ensuite.
A 2mm discrepancy sends Sara into a full on ugly cry in the stairwell because she's terrified that they'll lose precious points on the one room that could save them. They've put everything into the room, everything. If Dan and Keith were looking for rigid, it's right there. Sometimes it's not healthy being a perfectionist and so desperate for a particular outcome. That's why old low expectations me quite merrily rolls through life.
We have a trifecta! Norm and Jess have once again have miscalculated a vital component of their ensuite, and their shower door overlaps so they'll leave it off and suffer the consequences. After a quick yell and a blame game they laugh about it in their couch interview. Jess asks if there are others who aren't compliant but Dan has to remain tight lipped. It's your lucky week darl!
In a stroke of production genius we learn more from "Bogan Jess" about how rich people live, as Norm shows off the charms of his new best friend Alexa who will not only turn the bathroom lights on and off but can turn their showers on individually too. Jess then riffs on how rich people are too good for doing such pedestrian things such as:
Only the poor turn on taps or norg people apparently. After an all-nighter, in their delirious state Jess greets the main Alexa installer dude with too much exuberance and he drops his laptop so no more Alexa for them. Hope the judges don't mind winging it with the poor people to turn on their own taps.
Sara's spirits are raised again when they chuck THE Bath in its place, reminding everyone it has the WOOOWWWWWW factor and that it gave her whole body goosebumps to see it sitting there. <I never knew you could just plonk a bath down, I assumed it has to have some plumbing intervention for drainage>
They seem genuinely thrilled that it's in and is sexy and awesome. Jess has lost it, she's ironing a bath mat:
I barely iron pants and shirts.
This week's episode of Scotty Checks His Watch is brought to you by Acca Dacca's Highway to Hell as lots of windex and rags get a good workout upstairs.
Sara and Hans' bathroom does look pretty great as a whole, on first glance as the cameras check in on each couple having a hug relieved that they've finished.
At The Palais, Scotty reminds everyone that bathrooms are pretty difficult and it's where people are likely to come unstuck adding: "For one of you it's 'Do or Die' after spending the most amount of money on a single bathroom of anybody in Block history".
And after the ad break we find out there's a guest judge this week AND Scotty mixes up the introductions: ShaynnaBlaze first up (as it should be), but Scotty mustn't be that impressed with Neale Whitaker this week as he's dropped the Dapper Neale moniker rolling with "Style and Design Expert" before moving onto guest judge "Mr Real Estate John McGrath" who returns from early Block seasons.
Kerrie and Spence
Ready to deploy their gnome if they need a leg up to win tonight, they've got some confidence after winning the charity challenge. ShaynnaBlaze points out instant glamour, Kerrie almost melts from the relief. Neale reckons the high end feel is spot on. Herringbone tiling near the cabinets is noted, isn't that what Sara was so proud of in their bathroom? We don't hear much from the guest judge. But overall it's stylish and functional. In the but bit, ShaynnaBlaze doesn't like the drain feature on the floor.
Courtney and Hans
They won the first bathroom so pressure is on for their ensuite, and the terrazzo is back. Even though they reduced their room size, the judges are wowed by the size. In a semi polite fashion ShaynnaBlaze has to dismiss the guest judge for knocking the terrazzo, SB reminding John McGrath that they're in St Kilda and it's quite acceptable in our part of the world. They love the attention to detail of the matching bath and basins
Then we get the but - it's a scale issue with the void of space in the middle of the bathroom. Uh oh and they've noticed the slightly dodgy finish at the bulkhead. Plus they discuss whether it was the bathroom they expected after C&H won the last one. Luxe factor needed to be upped!
No hissy fits, Courtney just says fair enough in response to the assessment.
Now to Hayden and Sara
On the front foot before the judges even begin Husband Hayden speaks on behalf of the couple saying that it's the judges' lack of taste if they don't like what they've done. Just looking at those black basins, they are going to be a NIGHTMARE to keep clean, I reckon.
They got a squealed "Oh my god" from ShaynnaBlaze, so that's a good start. None of the judges have any seen such a bath, so all have to go and put their greasy mitts on it
Is this why Sara leaves? Remember she said it had to be handled with gloves? Noting that it's one folded piece of brass, painted, Scotty then explains how ShaynnaBlaze loves the unexpected. Neale asks if it's luxury so SB has to talk up why yes it is. They love the herringbone and acknowledge how expensive it would have been but money well spent.
Uh oh the BUT comes early and seemingly with urgency. The hero piece is acknowledged but Neale isn't sure if it fits with the rest of the bathroom "It's just not coming together for me":
Neale continues. He finds it drab (the tiled walls); Guest Judge John concurs saying three black walls are a hard issue to come back from and with so much black it closes in. ShaynnaBlaze offers some suggestions about how it could work better.
The final nail in the coffin comes from Neale:
"I feel like I'm trying to be won over by this magnificent piece, that someone is saying 'you've got to like this bathroom because of that bath', and I don't". KAPOW. Shaynna adds that she saw the toilet first up when she walked in and the shower screen has to be dodged and weaved when trying to enter the room. The bulkhead is mentioned as being ugly - Sara IMMEDIATELY shoots death daggers at Husband Hayden.
The final epitaph: It's a mixture of triumph and disaster.
Poor Carla talks about how uncomfortable she was standing there listening to the take down. Scotty, obviously picking up that Sara is about to explode, reiterates that he doesn't like delivering such feedback and reminds them that it's 'constructive criticism' to help them improve their apartment to have the best chance of making more money at the end.
After the adbreak we hear more about Sara and Hayden's ensuite from real estate judge John warning that the bathroom could impact, negatively, potential buyers and it needs to be fixed, ShaynnaBlaze says they need to be mentored.
Sara looks like she'd rather scratch her own face off than get ShaynnaBlaze's one-one-one advice.
Scotty holds an emergency Body Corporate meeting about whether everyone would be cool for Hayden and Sara to have the face-to-face, all couples quietly confer and it's a unanimous decision to allow it.
Norm and Jess
Literally the smallest room in the house, it's obviously the first thing the judges notice but because of the height of the ceiling and use of the marble it's noted that it's "punching above its weight". ShaynnaBlaze is big on scale today and reckons two full size basins is ridiculous and having two of the biggest shower (heads) ever is overkill. The lack of door and therefore potential over spray is noted and condemned. Really agitated and on a roll SB points out a black trim on one thing but then brushed chrome and polished chrome around the marble cheapening the effect. But it meets the brief and shouldn't cost them any buyers.
Bianca and Carla
They seem happy and calm with their work so over to the judges... ShaynnaBlaze says "I've calmed down already". They all practically coo, like it's a baby. Less is more is working for them. The but for B&C is about the drain and that it will be a real trap for hair (*gag*).
John McGrath gives B&C and 8.5 for their "almost flawless" bathroom, geeze. Hayden and Sara get a 7.5 despite their three black walls and assorted issues.
ShaynnaBlaze starts B&C off with a 9, Norm and Jess get a 7 (ouch), as do Hayden and Sara, Kerrie and Spence also get a 9.
Before Scotty spins the Gatwick around to write in the final scores from Neale to tally up a winner Spencer gives him the thumbs up before he can ask if Kerrie and Spence would like to deploy their extra point gnome.
Ooh did Scotty just say the winner has it by "half a point"? He doesn't even care because as he's throwing to the ad break, he reminds us to keep watching for Cyclone Sara
Kerrie and Spence finally have a win, but only because of Bianca and Carla gave the gnome back; next week it's Master Bedroom week...
As the producer or director or some poor Block/Channel 9 person attempts to do their job setting up the post judgement interviews, Sara snaps "Oh make it quick cause I'm not f*&^ing coming back" and "dead f*&^ing set" complaining about coming dead last again this week, Hayden a bit rabbity in the headlights looks towards one of the cameras but steps up and backs his wife in complaining about the result, y'know.
In a fair plea she reminds the producer about how they put their heart and soul into it. I put my heart and soul into making a roast last Sunday and had to throw it in the bin because I bought a particularly crappy cut of meat. Life sucks sometimes. But I loved the potatoes and other veggies that I made. C'mon Sars, chin up. Maybe take your bun out, looks like it's causing you some anxiety. Relax a little. Nup, exasperated still Sara adds "I'm over it, Tim!"
She's over it, Tim.
What did Tim do?
"God, Fuck this. I'm going, mate. I'm fuckin over it. And I'm NOT coming back. Here - take yer fucking mics" and as she walks off talking to no one in particular she mentions that she doesn't want to continue coming last and be embarrassed on television. You guys were only one point off the second last couple, really it's not like you're losing badly!
Clearly not in St Kilda (wherever they film 'the Palais' scenes, Richmond perhaps) Sara takes some time out down the road and is joined by who I can only guess is Tim.
Tim doesn't really try to reason or engage with Sara, just lets her go and eventually Husband Hayden comes out with his sports bag, Sara is adamant that she wants out and is convinced that always coming last is just "Embarrasingah" (that's how annoyed she is, with such an emphasis at the endah!)
So that's where we leave it for tonight. Hopefully the dawn of a new day will bring a fresh perspectivah.